Whod you bang
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
