One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
