I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
