i will never coherently bang her
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
