You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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