they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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