You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
