I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
