...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
