she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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