My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
