My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
