I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
