I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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