the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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