i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
