I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I lost the right to judge tonight
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
