when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
