Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
