I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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