Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
