I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
