and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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