I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
