I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
NoShamevember. You game?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
