What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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