I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
