i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
