my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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