my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
