He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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