somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize