You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
