Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
