a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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