u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
