It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
