If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
