She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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