Well apparently he's into motor boating.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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