Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
