If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
