I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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