Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
