Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
