Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
