So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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