I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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