We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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