I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
