He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
