now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize