my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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