well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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