OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
