first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
