Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
