Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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