Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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