I skipped work to stalk him.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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