the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
