News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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