She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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