so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
