Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
